experimentation

On Butt Fucking

These days, I bottom more than I top. I own the “power bottom” label, despite its somewhat nebulous definition. (To condense it into a soundbite, I like to say that I “fuck from the bottom.”)

99% of the time, I’m bottoming frontally. Oddly enough, I’ve encountered more partners who expect me to avoid my front hole rather than use it, but I’ve been fucking with it for more than a decade and its resilience and independent control is what makes it so much damn fun. I can accommodate damn near anything and it rarely feels uncomfortable (nothing another glob of lube won’t fix) and never painful.

Bottoming anally, on the other hand, is an exercise in patience and acceptance that some days, it’s just not going to work. I need to take it slowly, and adjust and re-adjust constantly. Don’t get me wrong– once I’m comfortable, it’s absolutely worth the effort, but it’s almost always undertaken as a solo endeavor as part of an hour-long self-love session when the mood strikes and I have the house to myself.

I’d love to bottom anally more often with my partners, but I’m caught in a catch-22. I want to bottom anally in the same aggressive, dominant style that I bottom frontally. That’s a skill only gained with experience. I can only gain that experience by having the sort of sex I don’t really want to have.

Despite that, I was butt fucked successfully a few weeks ago, for the first time in over two years. It felt great and I came like a rocket launcher. The top was an ex of mine, a relationship where the power dynamics have always been clear, so when I told him, “Fuck my ass,” he eagerly did as he was told (after briefly whining, “What?! I thought you were going to fuck my ass..”). Knowing that I was still in control– control of him, not just the empowered “take charge of your sexuality!” sort of control– was part of what made it work.

I don’t know where I’ll go from here. More butt play is in my future; there’s no doubt about that. It’ll probably be a while before I’m really ready to butt fuck from the bottom, but as they say, the journey can be every bit as much fun as the destination.

Rate of Exploration Over Time

I dove into the world of kink headfirst as soon as I was legally able. I’d been sexually active for a few years already, and I was chomping at the bit to become a part of a culture I’d only been able to interact with by falsifying my age on the internet. I went to munches, met people, sought out parties, and tried everything I could get my hands on. I was starving for experiences.

And then a couple of years in, something happened: I withdrew. I noticed that I was using fewer and fewer of the toys I’d collected, and munches were no longer a priority on my calendar. I no longer actively searched for new partners, and I stopped playing with a number of regulars.

What happened? Even I was surprised, and I started questioning myself. Was I “more vanilla” than I’d previously thought? Was it just a phase? Was I in some kind of funk?

I chewed on the question for a few weeks and came to (what now seems like) an obvious conclusion: I came; I experimented; I refined.

When I started out, I didn’t know what I wanted or what I liked. I had a general idea: I knew that I got off on hurting people and that I preferred being in control. But beyond that, I was clueless. I had to experiment to really understand my desires, because they are much more subtle than that. Through experimentation, I found the activities that really pushed my buttons and those that I could do without. I found the kind of partners that were right for me, and which would be incompatible.

My kink activity slowed down not because I had lost interest, but because I’d just stopped doing the things I didn’t like. These days I can summarize my style of play pretty easily: I like primal rough body play with active bottoms and lot of physical contact, especially in the context of consensual non-consent. I don’t mind being hit back within that context, but I don’t like to bottom or sub. I’m relationship-oriented, and I like service-based dynamics. My style of dominance is Daddy-like and protective.

I’ll still try new things and occasionally surprise myself, but I’m pretty content with sticking to the things I like. Sex and kink are meant to be fun, not a competition. Just as kinky sex isn’t inherently “better” than vanilla sex, those of us with relatively narrow interests aren’t doing it wrong.