sex

Mating Season

I’ve been neglecting the blog again, as I have a tendency to do when life gets busy and I spend considerably more time doing than thinking.  

Ah, summertime. The days are long, the weather is warm, the calendar is overflowing with more social engagements than my introverted little brain can handle. We’re going to parties and meeting new people, and inevitably, some of them are cute and charming enough that I want to rip their clothes of. Lovers from far-away lands come to stay and we go to visit. It’s mating season. 

Throughout all of it, I’m enjoying the flirting and dating, but I’m finding myself less and less interested in one-off hook ups, especially through connections made online. The apps and websites have their place, even more so in areas that are less gay than Boston, but they’re no longer for me. Quite simply, I’m sick of the behavior of within the apps, and even more sick of the way they’ve become a sort of barycenter for gay culture. 

I hear it all the time, in person and online: lamentations from men seeking boyfriends and complaining that every Grindr hookup has been a disappointment, and has never led to anything more. I sympathize. I really do. Gay dating can be intimidating in a heterosexist society, and hookup apps can seem like the easy way to go. You know everyone you chat with is gay and available, and rejecting someone is as simple as ignoring his message.  

But it’s a meat market, or like puppies in a pet store. You pick the cute one, or the body that looks like the ones you jerk off to. Maybe, if you’re looking for a real connection, you’ll write to the guy who’s wearing a Batman T-shirt because hey, you’re a “geek” too. You filter them by arbitrary and ill-defined types.  

You message him and chat just long enough to decide that he’s not a serial killer and meet up for a fuck.  

True love? 

Not impossible, but unlikely. You know nothing about these guys, and your initial attraction will be based off the physical and sexual compatibility you share, bolstered by a post-orgasmic endorphin rush. When that burns off and you start to really get to know one another, often the relationship fizzles. 

Instead, do what you love. Sometimes gay clubs and sports leagues get a bad rap, especially in more gay-friendly areas, because it feels self-segregating and like fulfilling a stereotype. But having a gay social network is healthy regardless of where you live and how supportive your straight friends are. You get to do things you love and meet people who share your interests who are also potential partners.  

You get to know them first, and then attraction might develop. Or maybe they introduce you to their friends, and one of them catches your eye. You get the opportunity to have a crush on a person rather than lust after a photo.  

So put your damn phone down and stop making faces into the front-facing camera.  

Go outside. 

Make new friends.  

Fall in love. 

After all, it’s mating season. 

On Butt Fucking

These days, I bottom more than I top. I own the “power bottom” label, despite its somewhat nebulous definition. (To condense it into a soundbite, I like to say that I “fuck from the bottom.”)

99% of the time, I’m bottoming frontally. Oddly enough, I’ve encountered more partners who expect me to avoid my front hole rather than use it, but I’ve been fucking with it for more than a decade and its resilience and independent control is what makes it so much damn fun. I can accommodate damn near anything and it rarely feels uncomfortable (nothing another glob of lube won’t fix) and never painful.

Bottoming anally, on the other hand, is an exercise in patience and acceptance that some days, it’s just not going to work. I need to take it slowly, and adjust and re-adjust constantly. Don’t get me wrong– once I’m comfortable, it’s absolutely worth the effort, but it’s almost always undertaken as a solo endeavor as part of an hour-long self-love session when the mood strikes and I have the house to myself.

I’d love to bottom anally more often with my partners, but I’m caught in a catch-22. I want to bottom anally in the same aggressive, dominant style that I bottom frontally. That’s a skill only gained with experience. I can only gain that experience by having the sort of sex I don’t really want to have.

Despite that, I was butt fucked successfully a few weeks ago, for the first time in over two years. It felt great and I came like a rocket launcher. The top was an ex of mine, a relationship where the power dynamics have always been clear, so when I told him, “Fuck my ass,” he eagerly did as he was told (after briefly whining, “What?! I thought you were going to fuck my ass..”). Knowing that I was still in control– control of him, not just the empowered “take charge of your sexuality!” sort of control– was part of what made it work.

I don’t know where I’ll go from here. More butt play is in my future; there’s no doubt about that. It’ll probably be a while before I’m really ready to butt fuck from the bottom, but as they say, the journey can be every bit as much fun as the destination.

On Consent and Community

Let’s talk about consent and making our communities safer.

When you first join a sex-positive community or the kink scene, the first thing they tell you is that consent is of the utmost importance. But stick around a while longer and you’ll encounter a huge number of people who have had their consent violated and their boundaries crossed. You’ll hear stories about well-respected community leaders crossing others’ boundaries. Sometimes, these are the same leaders who stressed the importance of consent to you in the first place.

Why the disconnect? I do believe that most people in kinky/sex-pos communities are well-intentioned and practice what they preach, but the “community” environment lends itself to becoming a safe haven for predators. The kink scene especially, in its efforts to differentiate between BDSM and abuse, has a tendency to overlook the problems within.

What You Can Do to Avoid Violating Someone’s Consent

I’m serious. Fuck those guides on “how to protect yourself.” I think the single biggest cause of consent violation is a narrow understanding of what consent means. If you define consent as “(s)he didn’t say ‘no,'” there’s a good chance you have violated (or will violate) someone’s consent. Consent is:

  • Uncoerced: Consent given under pressure, threat, or intimidation is not valid consent. If he initially says “no,” but relents after the seventeenth time you asked, you are coercing him. If she agrees only because she’s afraid of harm or your disappointment, you’re coercing her.
  • Unimpaired by drugs, alcohol, or sub space. Do not wait until she’s intoxicated to spring an idea on her, because you think she wouldn’t consent to it otherwise. Yes, I do consider sub space a form of endogenous intoxication: I’ve played with people who go non-verbal in sub space and who lose a concrete understanding of what’s happening to them or who’s doing it. They’re less inhibited, their pain thresholds are elevated, and they’re less aware of their bodies. Sound familiar?
  • Unambiguous: The absence of “no” does not mean “yes.” I don’t believe that consent must always be verbal, but it probably should be unless you know your partner very well. Consider his body language: if he hasn’t said “no,” but he’s covering himself, pulling away, or blocking your touch, you don’t have consent.
  • Specific: Consent to sex with a condom is not consent to sex without a condom. Consent to bondage is not consent to sex. Consent to sex is not consent to bondage. Consent to spanking is not consent to anything but spanking. You catch my drift?
  • One-time-use: Similarly, consent does not extend beyond the end of an activity. Just because you had mind-blowing sex with him tonight doesn’t mean you can jump him in the morning and assume it’s OK.

If you’re unsure, don’t do it. If he really, honestly wants to fuck you when he’s drunk, he’ll want to fuck you sober. If you didn’t discuss punching beforehand, but you think she might be into it, mentally file it under “maybe” and ask her when you’re negotiating your next scene.

How to Protect Your Communities

First and foremost, do your part by following the above rules and not violating anyone’s consent.

Then, listen to others. Support community members who have had bad experiences. Never blame the victim or suggest what he could have done to prevent the consent violation. Don’t vouch for anyone you aren’t 100% certain is safe, and if you do serve as a reference, be careful to speak only about your own experiences. Encourage second opinions, because your positive experience may not be universal.

Have a direct impact on safety at parties in your area by learning how and volunteering to be a dungeon monitor . Some groups offer classes in DMing, but if not, there’s more than enough literature on the net to get you started.

Don’t support known predators. Don’t attend their classes. Don’t attend their parties or events. Don’t invite them to your parties or events.

This is where things get sticky. I know this one is controversial, but share what you know, while respecting victims’ privacy. If you know that John Doe had a bad experience with Jane Smith and Sally Jones is considering inviting Jane to her party, speak up. Say something like, “I’ve heard that Jane sometimes takes advantage of her bottoms when they’re in sub space.” Don’t mention John by name without asking him.

Prepare for backlash if you do this. There are some in the scene who brush off these accounts as hearsay, and may accuse you of “causing drama.” It’s up to you to decide where you stand on this, but personally, I think that if “drama” is the cost of safety, I’m willing to pay it.

Like sex, no community is 100% safe. Still, fostering an environment that values consent, supports victims, and condemns predators goes a long way toward helping a scene live up to the moniker of “community.”